How many times can you say that you’ve made decisions quickly and without much thought to the consequences? I know I have and I’m sure many of us can relate. Because of our busy lives, we end up rushing through decisions and hoping for the best outcomes.
Although this strategy can work at times, it can also cause life long anguish and pain we wished we never experienced. It is, at this point, when we are struggling to cope with regret and our tears that we stop to reflect on what happened. Then, as we process through our emotions and understand more, we start to gain clarity on the situation and wish we had made different decisions resulting in much different outcomes.
In “The Letter to the Children I Never Knew” by Journey with Ritz, we see a glimpse of what it can be like to go through two abortions and realize, years later, that a different decision could have been better.
“Where in the world do I begin except in tears?
I never knew my 19-year-old naïve self needed or wanted you so badly.
I didn’t know I was capable of being a mom to you both at 19 and 20. I wish l had the courage and strength back then to fight for you.
Today, whenever Mother’s Day comes around, I grieve at the fact that I chose a broken system, comfort, selfishness, shame and fear of man over having you.
You both deserved a chance at life despite my lack of knowing how to walk it.
I often wonder what you both would have looked like, talked like, the color of your hair, your eyes, how you slept at night after I tucked you in, how I missed kissing your “boo boo’s” after a fall, how I didn’t see you start kindergarten, graduate the 8th grade and even High School. How I missed you going to prom or having a secret crush. How I missed you asking me for advice or throwing a fit because you didn’t get your way.
For one of you, I’ll never forget seeing your heartbeat. The nurse turned my face away that day and pretended you weren’t real.
But you were real. YOU. WERE. REAL!😭
That is one of my greatest desires as a mom –
that we will all be together forever one day.
My tears and heart will forever say, “I wish I could have you here now!”
I missed that season, but I hope you can see how I overcame and continue to fight for those just like you two. The ones with no voice and long to be born from the moment God allows it in the womb.
You both were worth keeping and I will forever share your stories on how you should have been here so that other 19 and 20-year-old moms can know that they would never regret having their own children, despite how scared or ill-equipped they feel in the moment. How regardless of how much the world says, “It’s ok. It’s your body. It’s just tissue…” they would see past the lies and fight for their children.
Thank you both for teaching me not to be a coward anymore, but a woman of character and dignity.
I hate that it took losing you both to finally wake up. But I’m so glad I finally did.
Until We Meet – With All My Love,
The Mommy You Never Had”
If you are struggling with regret and emotional pain caused by an abortion in your past, know you are not alone. For over 15 years, Restore After Abortion has been providing an effective post abortion recovery program for teens and adults. We offer nonjudgmental and compassionate care in either small group or individual settings. Call or text us today at 630-599-0043 to find out more information.
Journey with Ritz. (May 9, 2018). A Letter to the Children I Never Knew. Retrieved from https://journeywithritz.wordpress.com/2018/05/09/a-letter-to-the-children-i-never-knew/