Do you sense that your partner is harboring feelings of bitterness toward you because of an abortion in your past?  Maybe he fathered the pregnancy, and you made the choice to abort without consulting him first.  Perhaps you had a procedure or took the abortion pill, knowing he was opposed to this.  It’s even possible that he was (or at least seemed) “for” the abortion at the time- but he’s since had a change of heart.  Any of these dynamics can put significant strain on a relationship.  Painful, unresolved emotions surrounding a past abortion are bound to hurt a couple’s emotional and physical intimacy.  Here’s the good news.  You and your partner don’t have to remain stuck in this frustrating place much longer.

In Illinois, a woman has full autonomy over her pregnancy decision (although the legal limitations vary significantly from state to state).  This makes sense… because she will be impacted by the outcome more than anyone else- physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.  In no way does this negate the fact that men have a strong personal stake in their partners’ pregnancy choices.  Any woman’s decision for abortion, adoption, or parenting has potential to spark tension in her relationship.  Couples are especially vulnerable to this when the two individuals disagreed from the start, or there was little communication early on (on the part of the man, the woman, or both).  You may or may not have painful and complicated feelings about your own abortion apart from the relationship challenges it’s triggered.  If you’re struggling to cope with a past termination, for any reason at all, it’s important to acknowledge this and seek support.

Here are a few suggestions to help you begin your journey towards personal and relational healing!  It’s never too late to take your first steps in this direction.

• Open a respectful dialogue with your partner. If you feel safe doing so, ask him to share his feelings about the pregnancy, the abortion, and how these experiences have affected him.  It’s important to listen and empathize, even if you disagree or feel upset or defensive.  At the same time, set boundaries and make it clear that he needs to treat you with respect.  Ask him if he would be open to hearing your thoughts and feelings.  Chances are, he’ll say “yes” if you’ve already shown him the same courtesy.
• Talk with a counselor. Consider meeting with a professional counselor one-on-one or alongside your partner to talk about how you’ve been impacted by the abortion.
• Connect with Restore After Abortion. Restore is a free and confidential post-abortion recovery program that’s been around for more than 20 years.  Our purpose is to help women and men who’ve been negatively impacted by an abortion (or abortions) process their unique experiences and pursue lasting healing.  We offer opportunities to meet one-on-one or within a support group setting.  Although the Restore program is designed to address individual needs (we do not provide “couples” sessions), both you and your partner are welcome to join at no cost!  Services are completely confidential.

Reach out to Restore today to get started!